Let’s Talk About Sex

I’m doing it – no not that – I’m writing a post about doing it! 

I feel like I shouldn’t be writing this because it’s taboo, we shouldn’t be talking about sex, and doing so might lose me some followers. However, my blog is all about breaking taboo talking points out into the open, so here we go!

I want to talk about sex after kids. To be honest, I’ve never had to give it much thought. When my daughter was born me and her (violent) father were on the rocks. Most new parents struggle to get it on because they are too exhausted, but for us it was that I had always hated sex with him, and he couldn’t stand the sight of me after I’d birthed the small creature – whom to be honest, he also couldn’t stand the sight of.

Moving on to X – we had sex, sometimes. Rarely. It wasn’t very good sex, he didn’t rock my world, and nine times out of ten the “too tired” excuse was used. This resulted in four years of him getting it elsewhere, rarely asking me to participate, and me not really wanting to anyway. Of course, I have asked myself if my lack of enthusiasm had anything to do with the crime he committed at the end of our relationship… But nobody could justify that. 

So here I find myself, with a five year old daughter who sleeps in the room across the hall, and a boyfriend who I genuinely get excited about. It is only now that I find myself questioning… “How the hell do people have sex when they have kids??” 

Particularly since my daughter (despite what she’s been through) wouldn’t understand if she caught us, and doesn’t know about my boyfriend, our “adult nap time” needs to be top secret. How do you people manage this? Sure, with a baby they can’t escape the confines of the cot. With a two year old the Ipad might buy you ten minutes. But my daughter is five, refuses to stay in bed between 7-10pm and 5.30-7am without getting up demanding a drink or snack or some other unnecessary sleep-avoidant ploy, and is hyper aware of ALL noises in our home. She can’t be left with a sitter for the night, and we can’t enjoy the school-day hours because The Boyfriend works! What’s a Mum to do?

Here is a list of the things I have found work best:

  • On Tuesdays We Have Sex: Friday night is great for me and The Boyfriend; no work or school run to tend at 8am the next day. Friday night for kids though, is the start of the weekend. They too know that there is no school in the morning, so warnings about going to sleep on time go in one ear and out the other. Besides, who can face a Saturday on little-to-no-sleep? So on Tuesdays we have sex, when my daughter is guaranteed to stay in bed, tired from the school day and preparing for the day to follow. After the gruelling run in the morning, I can go back to bed for an hour if I’m lucky!
  • BARRICADE THE DOOR!: No I am very, very serious. Barricade the door. I don’t care if your kids have learned to knock first, if your door is stiff or has a lock, whatever; put something heavy behind the door. If you don’t heed this one, don’t blame me when your kid asks why you were naked wrestling.
  • Don’t Be Naked: I mean if you can help it… It’s not classy or romantic but it means if you hear the pitter patter of tiny feet from outside the door you can suit up quickly enough! 
  • Bite The Pillow: no, I’m not trying to give you sex tips here, but you should bite the pillow. Do you really want to explain why you were making that strange noise in the middle of the night? In other words: be quiet.
  • Listen Close: If you hear your child cough, stir, move or breathe, FREEZE. It is acceptable to wait around 30 seconds to see if the noise stops; if not then you should promptly unhand your partner and cover yourself, all the while cursing under your breath and trying to think of a better, easier way to be getting away with this. 

I hope you found this list to be humorous. If you have any better tips, tricks or tales of being caught in the act, do let us know! And lastly, I guess, try not to feel ashamed. Having sex is normal, we all do it and that’s most likely how you ended up with kids in the first place! So even though it feels like you are hiding a dirty secret, don’t feel guilty about it – enjoy yourself!

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