I’ve had a lot of trouble with change in the past. Changes to my routines, or lifestyle have often been sudden, huge and difficult to adjust to. Changes like moving house or having a new schedule have sometimes left me anxious and burnt out. I fully accept that, so I’m pretty wary of changing things.
Lately, however, I’ve been focusing on good changes. Seasons, new haircuts and personal development are examples of changes that actually make me feel better and not worse. There have been a lot of good changes recently what with Sprog turning six, my new job and my revamped routine. I’ve adjusted really well over the past month, and I’m getting really into this period of my life.
Over the past few days something else has changed: my mindset. Since everything that happened with X, I have had to face a lot of people judging me, or questioning my judgement. It turns out that even some (supposedly) close friends and family were really ready to twist a knife in my back – and some of that came as a shock. I’ve learnt in the past year that you really shouldn’t trust anyone with information that you wouldn’t tell everyone.
We’ve talked before about my inability to settle with people’s judgements (or misjudgements) of me. I can’t stomach the idea that people might have the wrong idea about who I am, or what I’m like, or that they might be spreading that wrong idea to even more people. Until today.
Today, much like any other day I don’t have a rigid schedule for, the unpleasant thoughts started to creep in. My brain went trawling through the awful things family members said to and about me. About the uneasy feeling I get whenever I remember that that one “friend” isn’t trustworthy. But today, instead of getting a horrible knot of anxiety in my stomach, I felt indignant.
Indignant that these people think they have any grounds to talk to me in such a derogatory manner. Indignant that people who are supposed to be my friends and family will gladly talk behind my back. Indignant that they think I’m somehow less than them.
And then my brain changed track, and handed me a bucketfull of self love. I am not less than anyone. I am strong. I have been through my own personal hell and I came out on the other side fighting. I have never given up. Affirmations filled me, and suddenly, finally, I really truly don’t care what people think.
I needed to share this newfound not-giving-a-crap feeling, because I think it’s a huge step forward in our story. The whole point of this blog is to share what our lives are like after abuse, and hopefully to reassure people that they can put their lives back together after something earth-shattering.
So I’m making a note here, that nearly two years on, I have finally shaken the feeling that I “deserve” to be judged. I don’t. And neither do you.